The scene opens. The setting is an apartment, one very familiar to us. For having never set foot in this particular apartment, it seems as though we've been here a hundred times before. It's not a fancy apartment by any means. Shag carpet that's torn up a little in places, empty cereal bowls with spoons and milk residue still in them, a leaky faucet, and various articles of clothing strewn about in random spots on the floor. If you haven't guessed already, we're in the Technicians apartment on the good ol' South side of Philly. Ah yes, it's good to be living in the same town as a show. So much easier when it comes to travelling. It is in the Technicians apartment that we find... well, you guessed it- The Technicians. Imagine that! I woulda thought we'd find Matthew Bright and Hammer piss pounding the Technicians... which is still a possibility but seeing as how both of them are retired, it's just not happening. Oh well, we can hope can't we?

They sit in their respective air-filled chairs, playing a game of Pong on the classic gaming console, Atari 2600 baby yeah! One can only wonder if they called the camera crew over for the sole purpose of watching the Mechanic kick the Electrician's ass in Pong or if there's more to this visit than meets the eye.


The Mechanic jumps up and throws his arms in the air to celebrate his 23rd consecutive victory over his brother in a such a simple game. Hey, simple minds, simple pleasure okay people? It is then that he notices the camera crew has arrived.

M: Oh shit... they're here.

E: Huh?

The Electrician sees the camera and gets that look of "Oh, right" on his face. He shuts off the TV and Atari as the Mechanic hands him his Tag Championship Belt. They stand up, side by side, and toss their belts over their shoulders, then look into the camera.

M: Okay, let's begin with Shawn Sanders, the newest BLPW World Champion. Shawn, don't get us wrong because you're a commendable athelete, but for crying out loud, get a personality already! Everytime you cut a promo you're either doing nothing, or doing something as close to nothing as a person could possibly get. It's pathetic! And yet, some people are forced to endure the pain of watching such crap, all because you don't care to get a personality! It's disgusting.

E: Moving on to the former World Champ, Double J. This man, if that's what you wanna call him, is just plain disgusting. For some reason he seems to think we care about his sexual escapades and every other personal detail of his life and well, it's just plain sick. Shawn Sanders said it best when he said nobody cares. And yet, he skips around the BLPW arena's like he's God's gift to wrestling. What the hell? Look Double J, nobody cares about your sexual orientation. Nobody cares about who you'd like to hump and who's forehead you'd like to leave mushroom welts on. It's none of our business what you do in your spare time, nor is it any of your business what we do in our spare time.

M: Okay, I can't wait any longer. I've got to touch on this newcomer that calls himself Heath Newton. First of all, how can he expect people to take him seriously when he's named after junk food? Heath is a chocolate bar, and Newton is the last word of Fig Newton- a jelly filled cookie. Chocolate Bar Jelly Filled Cookie. Yeah, and I'm gonna take him seriously... NOT! And yet, he also skips around like he's God's gift to the world. Give me a break. Chocolate, you have a lot to learn my misguided rookie. You say you're a former model of menswear... I say I didn't even know who you are until you came to the BLPW! What's even funnier is the fact that you are a woman. Allow me to list the reasons:

One, every little thing gets on your nerves. If so much as a hair on your head is out of place, you bitch and piss and moan about it like it's the end of the world. Hell boy, I've seen women that are more mannish than you!

Two, just like a woman thinks her twat is made out of gold, you think your body is made out of gold. It's disgusting.

Three, you need a man to do everything for you. Of course, it's just too bad that little sidekick Mikael of yours isn't a real man. If he was, he'd answer every one of those silly demands of yours with the back of his hand.

Four, if things don't go your way, you get completely out of control! You better hope we never meet in the ring, because I gaurantee you that I'll go out of my way just to make sure things don't go your way.

And finally, reason number five, you act just like a woman! At least Double J has the decency to act like a man, despite being a poofter; but you, you nitpick about every little thing and don't accept the reality that there's more important things than you!

Chocolate, you've obviously lost your nutsac somewhere between pre-pubesence and manhood, because despite all those cute little women you allegedly get it on with, none of which we have ever seen mind you, you definitely don't know the meaning of the word man. And I'll tell you another thing- if you think for a second that you're talented because you've beaten the likes of Bob the Builder, you're in for a major reality check! Eventually you're going to get in the ring with someone that's going to tear you apart, and I hope I'm there to watch it because I'll enjoy every last bit of it. Hell, KGB will be the man to do just that!

E: Speaking of KGB, I wonder where that little puppet has been lately. Or more appropriately, the Mad Scientist. Seems as though he's been a little afraid to show his face around here lately. Hell, he started to slowly vanish after my brother kicked his puppet's ass at Epic a couple weeks ago! Maddy, you need to see a head shrinker and let that puppet of yours go. KGB, despite being genetically engineered, still is a man and dammit, he needs to be thinking like one, not having another man thinking for him. If you want success, grab your nuts and make yourself successful like we have. Don't be a woman like Chocolate Bar Jelly Filled Cookie over there and make someone else do your dirty work. For crying out loud, if Aftershock can change, so can you.

M: Now we move on to Craig Williams, son of Gary Barber- or so I've heard. This man wouldn't be so bad if he'd just get over himself. Then again, it seems that every wrestler in the BLPW has an ego problem. But Craig seems to have it a bit worse than the rest of us. Craig, perhaps if you'd wise up to the fact that there are better wrestlers than you, you just might make a half decent wrestler. Well, that and get rid of your other Faction buddies, because let's face it they are totally dragging you down.

E: Speaking of which, let's touch on the Law. Yet another soul that seems to have disappeared lately. Is he really ashamed that he couldn't hack it at Nuclear Winter? Mr. Satan really delt him an ass-kicking. It's just too bad he had to go into hiding afterwards. Yeah, he's done some respectable things in his time here, but if he can't accept the fact that he got beat by Mr. Satan well then, I guess he's just not as good as he makes himself out to be.

M: Yep, ol' Mr. Satan- collectively known as Shaitan Lopan. In a bit of heat with the not just the Law, but the law as well. Of course, we all know that was Xain Youyang's doing, but what fun is it if we don't exploit it as if Xain Youyang had nothing to do with it? It's not now is it? Shaitan is yet another personality-less soul in the ranks of the BLPW. He hangs out all the time at his training dojo, and when he's not there, he's either in prison or out on bail and when he's out on bail, he's at his dojo! Honestly, how much of a bore can one man be? Sure, I lost the Western title to him, but that's not important. What's important is that he needs to drop Emily Trembley because she's definitely his weakness. I could leave one simple, harmless mushroom welt on her forehead and the next thing you know, Shaitan would be on my ass about it like flies on shit. That's what I'd call pussy-whipped if I ever seen it.

E: Moving on, let's speak of Vindicater. Talk about a man that can't let go of his past. The man is a broken record- repeating one line to the point of making its listener shoot themselves in the foot! Does he even realize that the XWA doesn't exist anymore? Does he even realize Green Man, whoever that is, doesn't wrestle anymore? I guess Double J is Green Mans son or something like that and Vindicater is trying to settle his aggression towards Green Man through his son. Honestly, if he's got that much of a problem with Green Man, he needs to take it up with Green Man- not with his son.

M: Next up is ol' Bob the Builder. Okay, now I wasn't too upset when I saw his name on the card for the first time, but man was I upset when I saw his first promo! I can fix it... what the hell? That's almost a direct ripoff of our gimmick! Well, okay, not really but dammit, there's only room for 2 handy men in the BLPW and Bob, you're simply outnumbered. You best find a new name or you're going to find yourself face down in a puddle of your own blood.

E: Then we have this new guy Lobo. Okay, I don't really see how he's any different than KGB. Just as KGB is puppet to the Mad Scientist, Lobo is puppet to this Aaron Jones character. Supposedly Aaron Jones has "unleashed" Lobo onto the BLPW wrestlers to gain revenge for his fallen comrade called Billy Royal or something like that. Something about this Royal fella offing himself and Jones says he's gonna make every wrestler in the BLPW pay for forgetting about Billy. Well guess what Jonesie, we don't even know who Billy Royal was! That was way before we ever came to the BLPW- so if you're going to attempt kicking our asses for someone we don't even know anything about and never did know who he was, well just be ready to receive a like-wise ass kicking from us. And you Lobo... well, we don't really have any beefs with you yet, so good luck. Erm... no, we hate you!

M: Then there's Jason Black. That's a sissy if I ever saw one. He got beat up by a little kid for crying out loud! It's one thing to act like a kid is kicking your ass, but it's another for it to actually happen! And yet, he's going to try and say that he's some kind of badass? Yeah, right, and my left nut can switch places with my right nut!

E: Really?

M: NO! I was being sarcastic... though... it would be pretty cool if it could huh?

E: Hell yeah!

M: Anyway, Jason, you better prepare yourself for one hell of a fight come Epic, because contrary to what you may have heard or any opinions you have about me, I'm hardly the guy you want to underestimate.

E: Then there's Aftershock. Okay, I'm proud of him. He's actually found his set and realized that Jedi knights are nothing more than ficitional characters. Though, despite his new found manhood, his display at Nuclear Winter didn't seem to break his track record as of late. I have to laugh when I think of him, because he reminds me a lot of Wile E. Coyote. Just like Wile E. Coyote can't catch the roadrunner, Aftershock can't catch a break. Oh well... too bad, so sad.

M: Oh, I'd almost forgotten. Darth Borac. Now here's a guy that needs to see a head shrinker. He's what, 27, 28 years old and he's convinced he's some kind of Jedi lord? For crying out loud... what's it gonna take to wake people like him up?! Perhaps a break, because after that nasty nail gun shoot out he and KGB had, it looks like he's gonna be out of the game for a while. We can only hope he's grown up when he returns.

E: Oh, and then there's Fallout. One of the BLPW's mystery men. Can we get a little more stage fright for this man please? I mean, why hide behind a mask? It's not like anybody cares. In other words, grow a set and reveal the face behind the mask!

M: Ahhh yes, the Kung Fu Kid. A respectable athlete for sure, now if he'd only get off that Zen trip of his. Could he be more confusing with that shit? Grasshopper this, grasshopper that, horny beetles will bite you grasshopper (Authors Note: Refer to the New Years party for the beetles thing)... I mean for crying out loud! This isn't martial arts class! It's freakin' professional wrestling! What's happened to him anyway? Did Ruttager finally manage to murder him and hide the body?

E: Then we have the Violence Cartel, consisting of Rob Stallion and Kenji Yamahomofita or whatever, the newest tag team in BLPW to date... well, unless you count these Stylish Rogue characters- but they're worthless so they don't count. More on that in a few moments. Now the Violence Cartel wouldn't be that bad of a tag team if they'd just wake up and realize that, well, they're not the best. We are dammit! That's the exact reason why we are the first team in BLPW history to become 2 time BLPW Tag Champs! You guys are just gonna have to settle for second best, because as long as we're around, that's all you'll ever be!

M: Speaking of the Violence Cartel, why not touch on their opponents this week? Chris Trepanier and the Trouble Shooter- otherwise known as the Stylish Rogues. First of all, who exactly made these men stylish? I mean I'm no fashion expert, but since when are tee shirt and jeans stylish? We wear tee shirts and jeans all the time! How's come we're not the Stylish Technicians dammit?! Bottom line, the "Stylish Rogues" need to stop worrying about how they're dressed and start cutting promo's that take longer than 5 minutes to watch!

E: And then ther....

M: And let's not forget Panik! He's well... he's Panik. What can I say?

E: Right. Last but not least, there's my favorite of all time... yes, I'm talking about you Rap Legend. We've got a history... ACW history to be more exact for those of you that don't know. And you Legend, well I can see you haven't changed a bit. You're still whipping your dick out, bragging about money you don't make, and running from the cops. Some people just don't change I guess. Please Legend- if you were making a 100 grand a night then I would have to be making 150 grand a night. Why? Because just like in ACW, we're better than you, that's why. You couldn't beat me then and you sure can't beat me now. Care to prove me wrong? Step up!

M: That concludes tonight's session of what we think of you people. Now you may be offended by this and want to hire an assassin to kill us; but just remember, no matter what you try, no matter who you hire and no matter how good you get, if you step into the ring against us, you will be...


FINALLY... the scene fades to black.

Disclaimer: No blow up dolls were harmed during the writing of this RP. Kurt Angle fell out a window and landed on a pile of horse manure and Chester (Linkin Park's lead singer) was given Elton John backstage passes as a late Christmas gift, but everything else is normal.